Do you View your Partner as a Partner?

Or even just as a person. It may be bypassed, but it is key to much. When you have a partner, whether that’s for casual or committed activities or endeavors, how you view them affects how you treat them which affects what becomes of the partnership. So what are they to you? What is the person who is your partner?

Whether you realize it or not, and whether it is intentional or not, you may fall into one or more of the following views, failing to check and correct yourself: An object for your pleasure. A milestone for your sense of accomplishment. A trophy for recognition. A slave to delegate labor to. A money-granting machine. A sperm donor/incubator for your offspring. A piece of evidence of your orientation. A prompt for your inspiration and motivation.

That’s not to say that having a partner that fulfills any of those roles, and that you happen to acknowledge it, is the problem. The problem arises when it stops at that. Because then it is more, or all, about what they do for you rather than what you two can do - and be - for each other. And you may say, “Well, I do things for them too!” Maybe. But how willingly? How many times do you have to be asked, begged, complained, and yelled at, or even “punished”, for you to start doing your part? Does it take the threat of losing them or the reality of such for you to start being a proper partner to them? And even then, you’re still trying to get by doing the bare minimum to keep them around? At that point, you’re already a major disappointment.

To view your partner as a partner and be a partner to them, you must take into account their needs and their wants - and work toward meeting them. With clear communication, maybe a few compromises, and continued efforts to harmonize with them. Intuition and empathy if you’re capable of grasping more with those. If that seems like too much for you, then it’s likely that either you’re not a match or you’re simply looking for somebody to exploit for your benefit (taking without giving). If the former, you should come to terms with it and make way for someone who is more aligned with you and what you can offer (and for someone else to be what you couldn’t be for them). If the latter, may what has to happen to you happen.

So you do care about doing right by your partner? Then sit and ponder.
- Have I been honest about my intentions?
- Do I respect and honor them as an individual separate from me?
- Do I look for ways in which I can be a complement and enhancement to them?
- Do I improve instead of allowing myself to be a hindrance and detriment to them?
- Does bringing joy and relief to them bring me joy and relief as well?
- Does sharing our burdens and struggles lighten the load as we assist each other?
- Am I content to get closer and bond further or do I become guarded and avoidant?
- Am I getting to know more about them so that I can understand (and anticipate) what they require?
- Am I recognizing and rewarding their contributions or taking them for granted?
- Are they supported, encouraged, and safe to be their most authentic and greatest self with me?

Some people are simply not ready to have a partner. Please admit this to yourself when it is the case. Don’t drag others into your ambivalence, nonchalance, and/or unavailability because you’re somehow convinced that you shouldn’t be single or that your mere attraction is a gift to others. If they’re attractive, that’s on them. Chances are that you’re not going to be the first or last person to be drawn by what is valuable in them. Please work on yourself or leave others alone. You’re not owed a partner for desiring one.

Learn to be a partner to your partner.