While many suffer from a lack of accountability, some suffer from an excess of it. They make themselves responsible for more than they really are. And that can be a burden so heavy that they could break under it.
When I was younger, barely starting to grow up, I felt like an outsider visiting. Back then, I internalized something cruel, that I was told too early, in a way that made me take the blame for everything that happened “due” to my existence. And seeing how cause and effect works, and how directly and indirectly we are all connected. I could trace mostly anything back to me and it became A LOT. I would believe that, if I hadn’t been around, whatever bad that happened wouldn’t have happened. It took me many years of undoing that to allow myself to take up space and emit ripples.
So now I’m here to tell you that the lousy or awful ways that people choose to act and react about, around, for, and “because” of you, while you’re being benign and basically just doing your thing, are not your responsibility. There is only so much that is within your hands and trying to have more of it would then make you controlling or even manipulative. Other people’s bad behaviors are not your fault if you did not induce and foster them. The tendencies they have are theirs. You do not need to take their sins as yours.
Even if people blame you, because, when something terrible enough happens, reason and compassion aren’t to be found, the blame may not be yours. Also, some are just eager to point fingers. Were you supposed to be omniscient and omnipresent? You can’t be that. Even if you devote your entire life to developing the finest and most sophisticated foresight, there are simply things that you cannot (and should not) micromanage for them to go perfectly or at least smoothly.
This is not meant for those with no accountability who’d like more excuses to have even less of it. You leave a trail of destruction everywhere you go and pass through. I’m speaking to those who’ve taken upon themselves more than they ought to because they are genuinely kind and sensitive to others’ pain and suffering.
When something horrible happens, you can lend a hand, see how you can ease their troubles, and let them process and handle what they must. Likewise, if it has affected you too, take care of yourself as well. It might take you some time (and active restoring), so don’t expect to be your bright and bubbly self again too soon (and you can ignore anyone who does).
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Tuesday, July 30, 2024
Sunday, July 28, 2024
Encouragement & Discouragement, it Matters!
Encouragement pushes you forward and discouragement pulls you backward. Or at least, that’s what happens when you let them.
When people have your best interests at heart and know better, both when they encourage or discourage you, it can be extremely valuable. When they have your best interests at heart but don’t know better, it can be appreciated but you’d have to be skeptical. Similarly, when they don’t have your best interests at heart but know better, be suspicious. As for not having your best interests at heart and not knowing better, why would you even pay any attention?
You may have heard over and over that affirmation of any form is to be ignored or even avoided, but we are limited creatures that also happen to be interconnected with other limited creatures. And they may have what we lack and vice-versa. There is only so much that you can find out and figure out for yourself. And sometimes, even if you know something well and are firm in that knowing, having it affirmed can still grant you a boost of confidence.
It does become a problem, a disability even, when you leave it all to others, denying yourself having the capacity to discern and reach your own conclusions. So that you’re constantly looking around, not knowing what’s best and what’s worst, what’s right and what’s wrong, and become directionless as a result, for different people will give you different feedback. It can be profoundly disorienting, too. And even if it somehow goes well, it’d still leave you without an identity of your own.
It helps to be positive. Yes, you can be realistic and optimistic at the same time. Realism tells you what is. Optimism tells you what could be. While pessimism, well, it is defeated before it even attempts anything. So be a realistic optimist.
You can find it in yourself to be your own cheerleader when you should and also surround yourself with people who’d like you to succeed as much or more than you, yourself, do. It works wonders.
CREDIT: AI-Generated Examples done on Leonardo.AI
Saturday, July 27, 2024
Supporting Subjects of Neglect
So you care and you’d like to help. It might not be easy and there’s a chance you’ll encounter resistance or even ungratefulness, but here are a few Dos and Don’t’s anyway.
DO:
• Ask them what they need. For one or more reasons they might withhold from telling you. But in case they won’t, it is a good first step. AND do something about it.
• Notice on your own what they need and bring or grant it to them. Without making a big deal about it or expecting to have the same and more given in return. Accept it gracefully if it is refused too.
• Urge them to do and have more of what they want. Needs are primary, but wants are also essential to fulfill at some point. Join and contribute to that if you want as well.
DON’T:
• Overexert yourself. You must put or acknowledge the limits on how much you can offer so you will neither cause guilt nor get yourself in a position where you can no longer be of aid.
• Embarrass them. They’re probably dealing with plenty of shame already and it’s not going to solve anything to have more.
• Indulge and coddle beyond reason. This is tricky to measure because some pampering can indeed restore much, but you could probably catch a glimpse of when enough is enough if they take it all for granted, become entitled, and possibly even arrogant about it.
• Ignore their instructions. They might not be whimsical desires but required accommodation for all to run smoothly.
• Tell others that you took care of them unless they consented to it. Yes, truth matters. But so does privacy - especially while one is vulnerable.
As usual, pair all this with more common sense and course correct as you go. Apologies where they are due. Obstinacy too.
DO:
• Ask them what they need. For one or more reasons they might withhold from telling you. But in case they won’t, it is a good first step. AND do something about it.
• Notice on your own what they need and bring or grant it to them. Without making a big deal about it or expecting to have the same and more given in return. Accept it gracefully if it is refused too.
• Urge them to do and have more of what they want. Needs are primary, but wants are also essential to fulfill at some point. Join and contribute to that if you want as well.
DON’T:
• Overexert yourself. You must put or acknowledge the limits on how much you can offer so you will neither cause guilt nor get yourself in a position where you can no longer be of aid.
• Embarrass them. They’re probably dealing with plenty of shame already and it’s not going to solve anything to have more.
• Indulge and coddle beyond reason. This is tricky to measure because some pampering can indeed restore much, but you could probably catch a glimpse of when enough is enough if they take it all for granted, become entitled, and possibly even arrogant about it.
• Ignore their instructions. They might not be whimsical desires but required accommodation for all to run smoothly.
• Tell others that you took care of them unless they consented to it. Yes, truth matters. But so does privacy - especially while one is vulnerable.
As usual, pair all this with more common sense and course correct as you go. Apologies where they are due. Obstinacy too.
Recovering from Neglect
If you’ve been neglected, much of what applies to abuse recovery applies here too. Basically, to give yourself the chance to recover and take as long and as much as you must depending on the severity of the neglect. But to be more specific, there’s more to look out for and tend to.
How is your mind, your heart, your body, and your spirit? Overwhelmed or in order? Stressed or relaxed? Exhausted or capable? Muddled or neat? How is your environment? The situations and circumstances that you dwell in? Take an honest look at various aspects of yourself and begin giving yourself what you were denied. If others you can trust offer to help with that, be open to it. If they are being inadequate or merely inefficient, take over unless or until you can afford to give them more leeway. If you are in a severe state of neglect, it is important to tend to yourself with the utmost care. And sometimes that means you’ll have to do it yourself.
Try not to succumb to resentment and rage toward what led you there, whether yourself or others. Focus on solutions and action first. You might meet better people later and become a better person as well. For the time being, what matters is getting yourself to a state where you can operate well, from a sense of abundance rather than lack. You don’t have to be selfish, but you ought to be self-serving to an extent - give yourself permission for that and cut out (or ignore) anyone who opposes it. If not worse, they might not be seeing where you’re coming from. You don’t have to educate them on it.
You can give yourself a period of time that you can call your You era. Plan and execute around that concept. Pinboards, planners, and journals might suit you. If you’d rather keep it simple, that’s fine. Just find ways to stay on track and keep going.
How is your mind, your heart, your body, and your spirit? Overwhelmed or in order? Stressed or relaxed? Exhausted or capable? Muddled or neat? How is your environment? The situations and circumstances that you dwell in? Take an honest look at various aspects of yourself and begin giving yourself what you were denied. If others you can trust offer to help with that, be open to it. If they are being inadequate or merely inefficient, take over unless or until you can afford to give them more leeway. If you are in a severe state of neglect, it is important to tend to yourself with the utmost care. And sometimes that means you’ll have to do it yourself.
Try not to succumb to resentment and rage toward what led you there, whether yourself or others. Focus on solutions and action first. You might meet better people later and become a better person as well. For the time being, what matters is getting yourself to a state where you can operate well, from a sense of abundance rather than lack. You don’t have to be selfish, but you ought to be self-serving to an extent - give yourself permission for that and cut out (or ignore) anyone who opposes it. If not worse, they might not be seeing where you’re coming from. You don’t have to educate them on it.
You can give yourself a period of time that you can call your You era. Plan and execute around that concept. Pinboards, planners, and journals might suit you. If you’d rather keep it simple, that’s fine. Just find ways to stay on track and keep going.
Sunday, July 21, 2024
What a Road Trip!
The last 3+ years have been WILD beyond my IMAGINATION. I literally cannot put it into words, but OH MY GOD. Life is really something and I am glad to be alive to witness and experience it!
Before all of this, things were… let’s just say, quite tough. I’ve had hard and difficult times lately, but it was years ago when I was hit to the point of fully breaking while being pretty much defenseless. It is interesting now, though. As someone who’s always trying to be optimistic or at least see a silver lining or a light at the end at the tunnel, there were moments I wholeheartedly despised. And while I was aware of much of the help I was fortunate to receive, and grateful for it, I had NO idea just how much exactly was coming my way. And what an amazing surprise that people I crossed paths with then, under those circumstances, are now people I cannot (and do not want to) see myself without ever.
Let us forever be adventurers in this messed-up world that is ever-changing, with new and different obstacles to overcome and challenges to face, as we continue to grow stronger, wiser, braver, and more prepared for anything that’s to come.
Before all of this, things were… let’s just say, quite tough. I’ve had hard and difficult times lately, but it was years ago when I was hit to the point of fully breaking while being pretty much defenseless. It is interesting now, though. As someone who’s always trying to be optimistic or at least see a silver lining or a light at the end at the tunnel, there were moments I wholeheartedly despised. And while I was aware of much of the help I was fortunate to receive, and grateful for it, I had NO idea just how much exactly was coming my way. And what an amazing surprise that people I crossed paths with then, under those circumstances, are now people I cannot (and do not want to) see myself without ever.
Let us forever be adventurers in this messed-up world that is ever-changing, with new and different obstacles to overcome and challenges to face, as we continue to grow stronger, wiser, braver, and more prepared for anything that’s to come.
Why Have a Bucketlist?
It’s all fun and games, but also… what a way to keep yourself alive! Making and keeping a bucket list will give you plenty to look forward to and aspire towards.
Typically, when we think of bucket lists, we think of a list of amazing experiences that we hope to have. That we fear missing out on and would YOLO into. Experiences that we can be overjoyed by if and when have them. And they can range from small to big, affordable to expensive, common to rare, and so on. It is personally gratifying both to have them and to tick them off the list once we do. It brings meaning and purpose into our lives.
And yet, as if that wasn’t enough already, there are countless different ways in which to make them. Get personal, be original, do it your way.
You can decorate it. Get artsy with pens, markers, and stickers or with how you digitally format it (whether you print it out or not).
You can theme it. Make it The Bucket List of an Artist or what may have you. So that from it, what you will add to it emerges.
You can time it. Maybe it’s not for your entire lifetime, but for the summer. Or for any other season or period. And if it is indeed life-long, then elements within it could belong to set times.
You can display it. Pin it to a board or a wall where you can frequently see it so you won’t forget about it or even show it around to others, if you’d like that extra pressure to commit to it, and even let them anticipate its gradual completion.
Should you bother with it? If it seems like something that your life needs right now, then maybe you should give it a try. Just be wary of putting yourself in strain or risk over it! And if you’re out of ideas for it, it is an exercise in finding out what you’d like in the story of you!
CREDIT: AI-Generated Examples done on Leonardo.AI
Saturday, July 20, 2024
Measures to Keep Neglect Out of Your Life
As with anything that involves being treated right, it has plenty to do with your self-esteem and the various forms of protection that can come from it. But let’s break it down into measures.
- Are you neglectful? No? Then why accept neglect?
- Are you a person striving to survive and thrive to give back? Then why accept neglect?
- Are you a human being who was born into or gone through unfortunate circumstances that left you without much agency? Then why accept neglect?
If your self-esteem isn’t high enough, whether or not your ego is big, this could sound like you are asking for too much. But this is only directing you toward receiving better care from those close to you, around you, and/or in charge. It doesn’t mean you will be forcing anyone in particular to tend to your every whim. If that’s how you’re understanding it, you should reflect it further.
• Work on your self-esteem.
Make it so you have self-acceptance, self-respect, self-care, and a good sense of self-worth. Affirming yourself won’t do if there are things you could work on in yourself and you aren’t already putting in the work. Earn your self-esteem and have it.
• Do not be afraid to be rude.
Situations that shouldn’t have lasted more than 3 days can extend for months and even years if we’re tip-toeing around others. Drop any belief that leads you to assume that you are obligated to coddle others and suppress yourself when that is not the case.
• Learn to receive.
You’d assume that receiving is the easiest thing in the world, but then find out that you have trouble with it. When you’re too humble or too reciprocal, receiving can be difficult. You may ask yourself if you deserve it and, while that is good, you sometimes must look at it differently. Maybe you don’t deserve it right now, but you will in the future. Or maybe never, but it’ll still make you a better person, healing you and curing your vices, and that benefits everyone around you. Just be mindful of when you’re taking too much from those who barely have for themselves.
• Begin to trust the trustworthy.
In a world like ours, trusting is dangerous. But if you happen to find people who are deserving of your trust, at least when it comes to certain matters and issues, do not withhold trust forever. Help is easier to exchange when there is trust. Look for what can make you comfortable with it and go from there. If anyone betrays your trust, do not listen to their pleas for forgiveness. These are people lacking in guilt and shame. Let them prove themselves if they want your trust again or leave them without it.
Furthermore, you could reflect on the times when you allowed neglect into your life and what you could and should have done instead.
- Are you neglectful? No? Then why accept neglect?
- Are you a person striving to survive and thrive to give back? Then why accept neglect?
- Are you a human being who was born into or gone through unfortunate circumstances that left you without much agency? Then why accept neglect?
If your self-esteem isn’t high enough, whether or not your ego is big, this could sound like you are asking for too much. But this is only directing you toward receiving better care from those close to you, around you, and/or in charge. It doesn’t mean you will be forcing anyone in particular to tend to your every whim. If that’s how you’re understanding it, you should reflect it further.
• Work on your self-esteem.
Make it so you have self-acceptance, self-respect, self-care, and a good sense of self-worth. Affirming yourself won’t do if there are things you could work on in yourself and you aren’t already putting in the work. Earn your self-esteem and have it.
• Do not be afraid to be rude.
Situations that shouldn’t have lasted more than 3 days can extend for months and even years if we’re tip-toeing around others. Drop any belief that leads you to assume that you are obligated to coddle others and suppress yourself when that is not the case.
• Learn to receive.
You’d assume that receiving is the easiest thing in the world, but then find out that you have trouble with it. When you’re too humble or too reciprocal, receiving can be difficult. You may ask yourself if you deserve it and, while that is good, you sometimes must look at it differently. Maybe you don’t deserve it right now, but you will in the future. Or maybe never, but it’ll still make you a better person, healing you and curing your vices, and that benefits everyone around you. Just be mindful of when you’re taking too much from those who barely have for themselves.
• Begin to trust the trustworthy.
In a world like ours, trusting is dangerous. But if you happen to find people who are deserving of your trust, at least when it comes to certain matters and issues, do not withhold trust forever. Help is easier to exchange when there is trust. Look for what can make you comfortable with it and go from there. If anyone betrays your trust, do not listen to their pleas for forgiveness. These are people lacking in guilt and shame. Let them prove themselves if they want your trust again or leave them without it.
Furthermore, you could reflect on the times when you allowed neglect into your life and what you could and should have done instead.
Steps to Break Out of Neglectful Situations
So you find yourself in a situation where you are being neglected or you sense and suspect you are. What can you do about it? Each and every situation is ultimately unique, but there are steps that are essential to many of them.
- Note if any of your needs or wants are not being met, despite having been communicated (communicate them if not).
- Note if any of your needs or wants are not being met, despite having been communicated (communicate them if not).
- Get clear on what your and others’ duties are. Are they being fulfilled? What can and should really be expected from one another?
- Consider relevant factors and weigh everything as fairly and reasonably as you can. Put yourself in their shoes and be in your own shoes too.
- If you can be sure that there has been a failure to care, bring it up in the words and tone that could be appropriate (even if it is embarrassing or inconvenient to them).
- If they are attentive, responsive, and work to correct their behavior, you can choose to have some patience and see if it will be resolved soon.
It could end there, or it could not…
- If it is ignored or even dismissed, or endlessly put off, give yourself permission to disengage (care as little about them as they do about you).
- Formulate valid arguments in your defense to fend against any unmerited accusations, whether by them or by your own faulty beliefs, whether you’ll voice them out or keep them to yourself in order to be at peace.
- Withdraw the investment you had in them and put it toward yourself. Tend to yourself like you expected they would and then more.
As usual with breaking cycles, it is easier said than done. But you can keep these steps at the forefront so that you won’t be forever going in circles through the same.
- Consider relevant factors and weigh everything as fairly and reasonably as you can. Put yourself in their shoes and be in your own shoes too.
- If you can be sure that there has been a failure to care, bring it up in the words and tone that could be appropriate (even if it is embarrassing or inconvenient to them).
- If they are attentive, responsive, and work to correct their behavior, you can choose to have some patience and see if it will be resolved soon.
It could end there, or it could not…
- If it is ignored or even dismissed, or endlessly put off, give yourself permission to disengage (care as little about them as they do about you).
- Formulate valid arguments in your defense to fend against any unmerited accusations, whether by them or by your own faulty beliefs, whether you’ll voice them out or keep them to yourself in order to be at peace.
- Withdraw the investment you had in them and put it toward yourself. Tend to yourself like you expected they would and then more.
As usual with breaking cycles, it is easier said than done. But you can keep these steps at the forefront so that you won’t be forever going in circles through the same.
Leo's Description
♌ LEO
Leo, the fifth sign, is a fire sign and a fixed sign, radiating with confidence and charisma. Known for its boldness, Leo commands attention wherever it goes. Often associated with creativity and passion, they pursue their goals with enthusiasm, inspiring others to follow along or do the same with theirs. Not as a chore, but as play.
Spiritually, Leo represents the welcoming of self-expression and empowerment. It teaches us to acknowledge and employ our unique gifts and talents and to shine brightly in the world, reminding us that we are worthy of appreciation and admiration, just as we are.
For context and more of relevance, please read about The Zodiac.
Sunday, July 14, 2024
Momentum or Prudence?
We might often hear about one or the other as what to go for, but both have their time and place! If you are always chasing and riding momentum, you might miss instances in which you should pause and gauge what is and could happen. And if you’re always treating everything with prudence, you might miss the forces that can propel you forward beyond what anything else could.
It is indeed tricky, and it is not about achieving a perfect balance between engaging in the two, but you can learn to switch between them when it is most appropriate and convenient.
Momentum is something that is formed internally and externally. Not necessarily equally; sometimes more on one realm than the other. Things fall into place and are in motion, working among them and for you, granting you the opportunity to make tremendous progress in one or more ways. It may get you to land nicely or to hit a wall. Crash and burn. You can’t always tell where it will take you, with what, how, and why, and that rises concern. Is this a chance you should take or a risk to avoid?
Prudence is more meticulous and thorough, and more within your control. Awareness is favored over venturing into the unknown. And that may be wise, to make informed decisions and prepare for any challenges that you may face or avoid them altogether if they are deemed unworthy. However, it becomes a problem when cowardice is mistaken as deliberation and dwelling is mistaken as calculation. Then it could go on for longer than it should and lead you to miss opportunities.
You’d be more naturally inclined to one over the other. And situations, as well, would evoke one more than the other. But it’ll serve you to distinguish when you can afford either and when either is most beneficial.
CREDIT: AI-Generated Examples done on Leonardo.AI
Saturday, July 13, 2024
Who is Prone to Being Neglectful?
It can happen to anyone at some point, being or becoming neglectful. But if it’s something you’d rather avoid, on either end, here is who to be wary of.
• The Self-centered
They are the main character. You’re just the supporting cast. Or merely extras. In their view, your sole role is to serve them. And your whole worth is based on how much and how well you perform in that regard. They do not recognize you as a person with their own life to live. They won’t be grateful, nor reciprocal, because they are entitled.
• The Old-fashioned
Or just those with messed up beliefs, whether from the past or from the present. They lack nuance and roll on oversimplifications. Anything even just a little more complex is just too much and should not be accounted for. You’re being too sensitive, too frail, too whiny. No matter how grounded in reality you are or how evident it is that they are harming themselves and others.
• The Neglected
It happened to them, it should happen to you too. That’s what some of them end up thinking. Unless they steered clear of that line of thinking or worked on themselves if they wound up with it. Read “The Far-Reaching Effects of Neglect” for more on it.
• The Clueless
They… don’t know. They don’t know they are supposed to care. They don’t know how to care. They just don’t know. Maybe they were never taught or their brain never made the correct connections. They might be teachable. But you might run into a wall and find out that it is willful ignorance that they’ll hang onto. And after an age, you must wonder why they never learned. Apathetic much?
• The Occupied
They simply have too much on their hands already. Their plate is full. They bit off more than they can chew. Give them a hand or cut them some slack. They are already doing their best even if that’s not enough. Although it is indeed concerning that, the way things are going, barely anyone has the luxury to be there for another.
• The Depressed, Anxious, and/or ADHDer
They may wish it wasn’t like that. And they try, they try. However, they have executive dysfunction that interferes with their activities. Sometimes they believe they can do something, that looks doable, but then it turns out they can’t. They might try to push through or go around it, but their efforts are futile or fall short.
Lastly, it could go without mention, but relying on very young children and very old elders for tasks that they cannot fulfill is misplaced. Same for people with any other disabilities or handicaps that interfere with caregiving.
Not everyone can provide proper care, even if they want to. So delegate accordingly.
• The Self-centered
They are the main character. You’re just the supporting cast. Or merely extras. In their view, your sole role is to serve them. And your whole worth is based on how much and how well you perform in that regard. They do not recognize you as a person with their own life to live. They won’t be grateful, nor reciprocal, because they are entitled.
• The Old-fashioned
Or just those with messed up beliefs, whether from the past or from the present. They lack nuance and roll on oversimplifications. Anything even just a little more complex is just too much and should not be accounted for. You’re being too sensitive, too frail, too whiny. No matter how grounded in reality you are or how evident it is that they are harming themselves and others.
• The Neglected
It happened to them, it should happen to you too. That’s what some of them end up thinking. Unless they steered clear of that line of thinking or worked on themselves if they wound up with it. Read “The Far-Reaching Effects of Neglect” for more on it.
• The Clueless
They… don’t know. They don’t know they are supposed to care. They don’t know how to care. They just don’t know. Maybe they were never taught or their brain never made the correct connections. They might be teachable. But you might run into a wall and find out that it is willful ignorance that they’ll hang onto. And after an age, you must wonder why they never learned. Apathetic much?
• The Occupied
They simply have too much on their hands already. Their plate is full. They bit off more than they can chew. Give them a hand or cut them some slack. They are already doing their best even if that’s not enough. Although it is indeed concerning that, the way things are going, barely anyone has the luxury to be there for another.
• The Depressed, Anxious, and/or ADHDer
They may wish it wasn’t like that. And they try, they try. However, they have executive dysfunction that interferes with their activities. Sometimes they believe they can do something, that looks doable, but then it turns out they can’t. They might try to push through or go around it, but their efforts are futile or fall short.
Lastly, it could go without mention, but relying on very young children and very old elders for tasks that they cannot fulfill is misplaced. Same for people with any other disabilities or handicaps that interfere with caregiving.
Not everyone can provide proper care, even if they want to. So delegate accordingly.
See also: What is neglect?
The Far-Reaching Effects of Neglect
Harmless as it may seem, neglect can have immense and profound effects on us that can last weeks, months, years, and even decades - more so if untreated.
Besides the physical and/or immediate effects that unmet needs and wants can have, some psychological effects that then shape our lives for longer include:
• Bitter Resentment
You become hateful or just indifferent toward others - especially those that had it better than you. You lack generosity. And even if you had some of it in you, you lack the abundance from which to give it. You know, consciously or not, that you deserved better or that it was your right. Seeking vengeance is tempting. May spite others at any chance you get.
• Isolating Hyperindependence
You accept what happened as something that happens. Your takeaway from it is that you cannot trust, rely, or count on others for much or anything at all. Perhaps believe it to be foolish too. Immature even. It may be to the extent that you view less independent people as lesser and may urge them to toughen up. Frustrated when anyone asks anything of you because you did it alone. Why can’t they? Could become prideful to the extent that it blinds you to help you do or have received.
• Unidirectional Compassion
Others matter, but you don’t. That’s the message you got. You may be quick to help others, probably gladly doing so, but have trouble asking for help for yourself (or even acknowledging your own needs, let alone wants). You too easily feel like a burden and try not to be one at all costs. You come last. Putting yourself first, at any point, might even have you believing you’re vile.
Or something along those lines. In some amount. Possibly a mixture, despite the contradiction.
Put in context, you could infer how this would shape your relationships with close ones, your family, your community, and society at large. And the consequences are, to say the least, not ideal. But most of all, your relationship with yourself is impacted.
Besides the physical and/or immediate effects that unmet needs and wants can have, some psychological effects that then shape our lives for longer include:
• Bitter Resentment
You become hateful or just indifferent toward others - especially those that had it better than you. You lack generosity. And even if you had some of it in you, you lack the abundance from which to give it. You know, consciously or not, that you deserved better or that it was your right. Seeking vengeance is tempting. May spite others at any chance you get.
• Isolating Hyperindependence
You accept what happened as something that happens. Your takeaway from it is that you cannot trust, rely, or count on others for much or anything at all. Perhaps believe it to be foolish too. Immature even. It may be to the extent that you view less independent people as lesser and may urge them to toughen up. Frustrated when anyone asks anything of you because you did it alone. Why can’t they? Could become prideful to the extent that it blinds you to help you do or have received.
• Unidirectional Compassion
Others matter, but you don’t. That’s the message you got. You may be quick to help others, probably gladly doing so, but have trouble asking for help for yourself (or even acknowledging your own needs, let alone wants). You too easily feel like a burden and try not to be one at all costs. You come last. Putting yourself first, at any point, might even have you believing you’re vile.
Or something along those lines. In some amount. Possibly a mixture, despite the contradiction.
Put in context, you could infer how this would shape your relationships with close ones, your family, your community, and society at large. And the consequences are, to say the least, not ideal. But most of all, your relationship with yourself is impacted.
See also: What is neglect?
Sunday, July 7, 2024
Oh No! Burning Out!
Careful! Even machines burn out! And you’re made of flesh. It’s okay to give yourself a break. Not only okay, it is required for your optimal functioning and to even function at all.
Regularly taking one or two days off a week is important. Occasionally taking a few days off every once in a while is important. Sporadically taking more than that to rest if you ought to is important. And religiously taking advantage of the holidays and other vacation days we have in a year to relieve and restore ourselves is important.
You can hustle, you can make every minute count toward a goal or ambition. But if you take it to a point where it ultimately leads you to break down. It is not productive, it is counterproductive. Furthermore, certain tasks require you to be at your best in order to perform them. Performing them while straining yourself won’t do. Could be disastrous even. Best not even attempted.
Different people and different careers or lifestyles have different amounts of execution. Some people can (and even are compelled to) execute for long while some do not. Some careers or lifestyles demand a great amount of execution while some do not. You must figure out and get to what suits you, pushing yourself only as far as you can handle. It may not be evident right away and you may bit off more than you can chew, or quite the contrary, but that’s something to monitor and make adjustments in accordance with.
It is tempting to compare ourselves with others in terms of who does most. And while an objective observation may be in place for various purposes, it shouldn’t be the reason to be unreasonably harsh toward ourselves or others. As long as it lets you survive and eventually thrive, you can simply aim to give your most and your best without harming yourself in the process.
CREDIT: AI-Generated Examples done on Leonardo.AI
Saturday, July 6, 2024
Recognizing Neglect
Recognizing neglect can be not only difficult due to lack of clarity, but also avoided as it entails coming to the realization that you are either being treated poorly or treating another poorly - or both. However, it is still best to get to and have the truth of the situation to better proceed with it.
If you are dependent on another or another is dependent on you, that opens up the possibility of neglect. To what degree, that depends. Is what it is being relied on for common sense or has it been discussed? Even if it is supposed to be common sense, discussing it to be sure is always best. Yes, even to a little child, telling them “I am your parent, that makes me your caregiver, you can (and should) come to me for x, y, and z.” Along with telling them what other adults they can go to for more care. Alternatively, you could ask, if you’re in doubt, about how much you can count on another.
Once there has been direct communication about it, it is easier to spot when and where care, that you’re expected to receive, is lacking. Keeping in mind, however, that a person is not always able to quickly come through, if at all, for you. There may be more that they are juggling that is of the same or more importance or they may be having trouble themselves in some way.
However, if it is someone who has promised you this and that and then some more, causing you to rely on them for such, and they just show you over and over again that you are not a priority and they do not intend to keep their word (just benefited from your dependence on them and what came with it), you’ve got yourself a worthless piece of s***. And maybe they should be in prison along with compensating you with interests. But if walking away is all you can do, then let that be it.
Whether we like it or not, we are part of a collective. A human being on Earth, a peer, a teacher, a class or teammate, a coworker, a boss or an employee or a client, a partner, a parent or a child, an idol, a friend… And we do have the choice to be closely involved with others or not, being transparent about it. But there’s still going to be a bit of responsibility falling upon us regardless. And failing to tend to those or not, makes a difference.
If you are dependent on another or another is dependent on you, that opens up the possibility of neglect. To what degree, that depends. Is what it is being relied on for common sense or has it been discussed? Even if it is supposed to be common sense, discussing it to be sure is always best. Yes, even to a little child, telling them “I am your parent, that makes me your caregiver, you can (and should) come to me for x, y, and z.” Along with telling them what other adults they can go to for more care. Alternatively, you could ask, if you’re in doubt, about how much you can count on another.
Once there has been direct communication about it, it is easier to spot when and where care, that you’re expected to receive, is lacking. Keeping in mind, however, that a person is not always able to quickly come through, if at all, for you. There may be more that they are juggling that is of the same or more importance or they may be having trouble themselves in some way.
However, if it is someone who has promised you this and that and then some more, causing you to rely on them for such, and they just show you over and over again that you are not a priority and they do not intend to keep their word (just benefited from your dependence on them and what came with it), you’ve got yourself a worthless piece of s***. And maybe they should be in prison along with compensating you with interests. But if walking away is all you can do, then let that be it.
Whether we like it or not, we are part of a collective. A human being on Earth, a peer, a teacher, a class or teammate, a coworker, a boss or an employee or a client, a partner, a parent or a child, an idol, a friend… And we do have the choice to be closely involved with others or not, being transparent about it. But there’s still going to be a bit of responsibility falling upon us regardless. And failing to tend to those or not, makes a difference.
See also: What is neglect?
What is Neglect?
Now, how can we define neglect? Put simply, neglect is the failure to care properly for someone or something. But what else is there to it?
Usually, we can consider an action or inaction as neglectful when there is some sort of duty or responsibility to care for the person or object, whether you signed up for it or it was assigned to you. This can get complex because there may be many factors involved to consider.
When you “sign up” to care for someone or something, you are basically telling everyone else that you will be taking care so they/others don’t have to. Any decadence or destruction suffered is then on you. You were neglectful while you were being counted on not to be and something was damaged or lost as a result.
When caring for someone or something is “assigned” to you, it could mean a number of things. You were at that time and place where someone or something needed care that you could provide for. That is a social and humane responsibility assigned to you. Another could be that you are a relative of someone or the owner or something and therefore you should be caring before others. That’s a civil responsibility assigned to you.
Let’s emphasize the ability to provide care, however. In the cases in which you are indeed unable to provide care, you are absolved of the responsibility - as that would be both unreasonable and unrealistic. But in many instances, that would then require you to admit that you cannot take care and/or call (or at least allow) for someone else to.
Neglect isn’t always a serious matter that leads to terrible consequences. But the times it is, it can be as bad, if not worse than abuse. E.g. Leaving a baby, a creature incapable of doing anything for themselves, alone for days. Letting a person in need of urgent medical treatment, in lethal danger, wait for too long. Disregarding an elder, whose motor and cognitive functions have severely declined, fend for themselves because you can’t be bothered to care.
Then, there are those actions and inactions that, while “normal” enough to not be reprimanded by most, are still neglectful. E.g. seeing somebody being mistreated and doing nothing about it because “it’s not any of your business” and it would be an inconvenience to you.
We are all neglectful to some extent because we are not superhumans. But we must watch out for extremes that cannot be justified.
Usually, we can consider an action or inaction as neglectful when there is some sort of duty or responsibility to care for the person or object, whether you signed up for it or it was assigned to you. This can get complex because there may be many factors involved to consider.
When you “sign up” to care for someone or something, you are basically telling everyone else that you will be taking care so they/others don’t have to. Any decadence or destruction suffered is then on you. You were neglectful while you were being counted on not to be and something was damaged or lost as a result.
When caring for someone or something is “assigned” to you, it could mean a number of things. You were at that time and place where someone or something needed care that you could provide for. That is a social and humane responsibility assigned to you. Another could be that you are a relative of someone or the owner or something and therefore you should be caring before others. That’s a civil responsibility assigned to you.
Let’s emphasize the ability to provide care, however. In the cases in which you are indeed unable to provide care, you are absolved of the responsibility - as that would be both unreasonable and unrealistic. But in many instances, that would then require you to admit that you cannot take care and/or call (or at least allow) for someone else to.
Neglect isn’t always a serious matter that leads to terrible consequences. But the times it is, it can be as bad, if not worse than abuse. E.g. Leaving a baby, a creature incapable of doing anything for themselves, alone for days. Letting a person in need of urgent medical treatment, in lethal danger, wait for too long. Disregarding an elder, whose motor and cognitive functions have severely declined, fend for themselves because you can’t be bothered to care.
Then, there are those actions and inactions that, while “normal” enough to not be reprimanded by most, are still neglectful. E.g. seeing somebody being mistreated and doing nothing about it because “it’s not any of your business” and it would be an inconvenience to you.
We are all neglectful to some extent because we are not superhumans. But we must watch out for extremes that cannot be justified.
Monday, July 1, 2024
Does or Doesn't? Messy Love
So here is a graphic to help you figure it out! It can be used within different contexts, not only the romantic kind. Asking yourself, “How much does this person (or entity) love & care for me and how much do they want and/or need me?” Then spotting where you are on the map.
People often confuse wanting and/or needing with loving & caring. And this is VERY DANGEROUS to do. Or they do tell them apart but still settle for the former without the latter. Again, TERRIBLE. Wanting and/or needing is essentially about getting. While loving & caring is essentially about giving. If you let others get away with only getting, they’ll practically suck the life out of you.
Furthermore, sadly, many people (myself included), end up in the bottom right square with their person. Either ‘cause the person was pretending that there was more to it or because they were convinced that they didn’t deserve better (or that it was unreasonable to expect it). In any case, it is a lousy place to be in. So don’t settle for just being wanted and/or needed. Of course you would be if you have valuable qualities! How low is your self-esteem to believe that’s enough?
For visual representation, you can ‘guesstimate’ and mark yourself in one color where you believe you are and mark the other with another color where you believe they are, keeping in mind the context you’re taking this in.
Furthermore, it might help to recognize that everyone and everything doesn’t have the same capacity to be invested. Some only go as far as the smallest square, being the most dispassionate kind. Others are more lukewarm than that and extend to the second square. And the rest are among the most passionate. There’s a chance you might wish to stick with your kind.
So here it is blank for you to try it. The results may slightly to wildly vary, depending. And may not be what you expect or hope for, but the sooner you face reality the sooner you can get to something real that’s worthwhile (or bring it there).
Love is indeed messy. So this is merely trying to make sense of what happens or is happening without getting too lost in specifics. But you could also note that there are times when the axes sort of compete and counteract each other, when what's in them is in some sort of conflict. E.g. There are times when you Love & Care so much that it seems as though you're indifferent in the Want and/or Need department. But it's just that that same Love & Care has suppressed, blocked out, or let go of that Want and/or Need. Alternatively, extreme Want and/or Need could throw out Love & Care to self-serve, acting from entitlement, disregarding the other or the relationship itself. Something to watch out for!
What Happens when you Fall In Love with an Artist?
Valentine sweetheart this, summer love that. But what about being in love with an artist? It largely depends on what kind of artist it is, but there are a few peculiarities that might be encountered when falling in love with an artist:
• Wondering if they’re in love with you or in love with love.
• Not knowing if they’re still looking for tragedy for their art or for their happy ending.
• Worrying you won’t be stimulating enough, that you won’t inspire them and can’t be their muse.
• Concerned you won’t be able to keep up with them or that you’ll be holding them back.
• While intrigued and fascinated by their interests, and respectful of them, afraid it’ll be discouraging that you do not share them.
• Bizarre, to say the least, people in their circle that you’re not sure you’ll be able to stand for long.
• Inability to comprehend how they could even like someone as simple as you.
• Being such a fan of their work that you dread the possibility of it ending or drastically changing once with you.
• Wanting to express yourself as beautifully to them as they do to you and failing to (not necessarily bitter or resentful about it, though).
• Having the subtlest of signs noticed and hoping they won’t be misread or more disturbing than they ought to be.
• Wondering if they’re in love with you or in love with love.
• Not knowing if they’re still looking for tragedy for their art or for their happy ending.
• Worrying you won’t be stimulating enough, that you won’t inspire them and can’t be their muse.
• Concerned you won’t be able to keep up with them or that you’ll be holding them back.
• While intrigued and fascinated by their interests, and respectful of them, afraid it’ll be discouraging that you do not share them.
• Bizarre, to say the least, people in their circle that you’re not sure you’ll be able to stand for long.
• Inability to comprehend how they could even like someone as simple as you.
• Being such a fan of their work that you dread the possibility of it ending or drastically changing once with you.
• Wanting to express yourself as beautifully to them as they do to you and failing to (not necessarily bitter or resentful about it, though).
• Having the subtlest of signs noticed and hoping they won’t be misread or more disturbing than they ought to be.
Additionally, unless they've made it blatantly clear that you are their priority and their past is in the past, it could be confusing when they go over or bring back artwork that was made for and encapsulates their story with others, likely reconnecting with it too. And it is something to learn to be okay with because they cannot and should not give up their history and the artworks that came out of it.
This is not to discourage anyone from loving an artist, of course. Just things that happen (and must be discussed at some point). But totally worth it when they’re genuinely loving.
This is not to discourage anyone from loving an artist, of course. Just things that happen (and must be discussed at some point). But totally worth it when they’re genuinely loving.
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