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Today, April 25th, is my grandmother’s birthday. May she rest in peace…
I normally avoid speaking of the dead, since it can make things uncomfortable and awkward for people, but my grandmother is one of the few I have always admired the most and, although we are still different in many ways, she left a lasting impression on me.
As some of you may already know, I am agnostic, so I don’t fully believe nor disbelieve the existence of heaven. But her parting makes me wish it’s true, that she is somewhere better and can still guard me and guide me in spirit.
However, even if that isn’t the case, I pondered plenty about it, and it still makes sense to honor her, her legacy, and her wishes - even if she isn’t around anymore, at all. She devoted the remaining years of her life to taking care of us and leading us in a good direction. So, basically, it is the least I can do to continue to carry a part of her with me. Furthermore, I discovered that not doing so left me void and rootless. She is an undeniable part of my history as I am part of hers.
She was the one who raised me. My father was not around (divorced and out of the picture) and my mother was mostly sick and bedridden. But I had a magical childhood regardless, thanks to her. She was a small business owner and an investor. People loved her because, while she wasn’t one to be messed with, she showed extraordinary solidarity with neighbors and others in need. Her work practically consisted of supporting people. And much to my delight, two of the most grateful to her owned, one, a stationery shop and, another, a toy shop. One of her ways of helping them and their businesses thrive was letting me go in whenever and pick whatever I wanted. We got discounts, they got extra sales. Was I spoiled? Hmm… Arguably. It could still be justified by the fact that these things helped me develop my innate abilities. It also seems that she noticed I was extremely introverted and a bit autistic early on, even if she didn’t know it by these names, and made sure I had, besides my bedroom, an entire, separate room in the house only for me and be completely undisturbed while I played and created there - unless I was fine with company. Maybe she was like that, too, and saw herself in me. Hence, could tell how important it was for me to have my own space. She showed me love through action the most and emphasized to me that family are those you can count on that genuinely care for you. I would bet that she was aware of how controversial, yet essential, that would be for me down the line. First and foremost, she strived for our well-being and to keep us from needless suffering. I had no idea how rare this was until later, but greatly appreciated her regardless.
It wasn’t all fun and games, though. She was definitely strict. As a former math teacher, she insisted I’d learn math early on and got me ahead in that department. I didn’t grow up to become a math wizard, but I’m grateful for the brain exercise! And speaking of exercise, she wouldn’t let me turn into a lazy potato either. She didn’t allow me to do house chores because they made me sick (and we had maids), but she pushed me into sports and forced me to stick with a routine. I resented her for it at the time but then understood. Also, I ended up enjoying rollerskating and dancing and she was beyond approving and encouraging of that. More than anything, though, she applauded my artistic tendencies. It made me so happy to see her happy when I made art.
I probably have failed her in many ways. Letting unworthy people take from me, tolerating treatment I don’t deserve, putting myself in harmful situations, not utilizing my gifts enough… If I have regrets, those are some of my biggest. But I’m not done yet and I’m still turning life around and making the best out of my time on Earth.
So, now you know that, among my guarding and guiding principles and values, are those my grandmother contributed. And they are sacred.
As some of you may already know, I am agnostic, so I don’t fully believe nor disbelieve the existence of heaven. But her parting makes me wish it’s true, that she is somewhere better and can still guard me and guide me in spirit.
However, even if that isn’t the case, I pondered plenty about it, and it still makes sense to honor her, her legacy, and her wishes - even if she isn’t around anymore, at all. She devoted the remaining years of her life to taking care of us and leading us in a good direction. So, basically, it is the least I can do to continue to carry a part of her with me. Furthermore, I discovered that not doing so left me void and rootless. She is an undeniable part of my history as I am part of hers.
She was the one who raised me. My father was not around (divorced and out of the picture) and my mother was mostly sick and bedridden. But I had a magical childhood regardless, thanks to her. She was a small business owner and an investor. People loved her because, while she wasn’t one to be messed with, she showed extraordinary solidarity with neighbors and others in need. Her work practically consisted of supporting people. And much to my delight, two of the most grateful to her owned, one, a stationery shop and, another, a toy shop. One of her ways of helping them and their businesses thrive was letting me go in whenever and pick whatever I wanted. We got discounts, they got extra sales. Was I spoiled? Hmm… Arguably. It could still be justified by the fact that these things helped me develop my innate abilities. It also seems that she noticed I was extremely introverted and a bit autistic early on, even if she didn’t know it by these names, and made sure I had, besides my bedroom, an entire, separate room in the house only for me and be completely undisturbed while I played and created there - unless I was fine with company. Maybe she was like that, too, and saw herself in me. Hence, could tell how important it was for me to have my own space. She showed me love through action the most and emphasized to me that family are those you can count on that genuinely care for you. I would bet that she was aware of how controversial, yet essential, that would be for me down the line. First and foremost, she strived for our well-being and to keep us from needless suffering. I had no idea how rare this was until later, but greatly appreciated her regardless.
It wasn’t all fun and games, though. She was definitely strict. As a former math teacher, she insisted I’d learn math early on and got me ahead in that department. I didn’t grow up to become a math wizard, but I’m grateful for the brain exercise! And speaking of exercise, she wouldn’t let me turn into a lazy potato either. She didn’t allow me to do house chores because they made me sick (and we had maids), but she pushed me into sports and forced me to stick with a routine. I resented her for it at the time but then understood. Also, I ended up enjoying rollerskating and dancing and she was beyond approving and encouraging of that. More than anything, though, she applauded my artistic tendencies. It made me so happy to see her happy when I made art.
I probably have failed her in many ways. Letting unworthy people take from me, tolerating treatment I don’t deserve, putting myself in harmful situations, not utilizing my gifts enough… If I have regrets, those are some of my biggest. But I’m not done yet and I’m still turning life around and making the best out of my time on Earth.
So, now you know that, among my guarding and guiding principles and values, are those my grandmother contributed. And they are sacred.
