Same but Worse

August 16th, 2015. A reflective post. Looking around, I am compelled to add the disclaimer that, "Hell, no, not to this extent it ain't my favorite." But here we are. In the middle of deeply catalytic events. Somebody asked for more witchyness? 

Off Forever?

I’ve been mulling this over and seem to have finally reached a conclusion I can stand on. It’s no news that I can’t do fake-politeness and pretend at fondness and such. But it also looks like I cannot overstate just how fundamental it is for me to be able to have trust and faith in those I surround myself with. I can only go on for so long believing, “Hey, this person has done this and that, so maybe they’re great and I’m safe with them.” There comes a point where there’s just not enough or nothing there for me to justify or even make sense of my involvement with them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll cut them out in every sense, but hanging out with them will no longer be. And in some cases, it’s like it’s what they were manifesting anyway. I could subject myself to the torture of continuing this nonsense, but I’d much rather not. And fortunately, there’s not a financial reason for me to be obligated to. Yet, despite how bitter all this may sound, I’ll still (joyfully whenever possible) be doing my work, which may benefit both those I can consider close and those I do not. Furthermore, as always, credit where credit is due, regardless of what’s personally in between, when the time comes, and unless anonymity is preferred. But for the rest of the time? I’m too much of a recluse to deal with any more of this BS. Let me do my work in peace and try not to be too huge pieces of sh*t here or elsewhere. ✌

I Thought It Was Supposed to be Orange?

Maybe even orange-yellow? But no, it's yellow. This was throwing me off, so I never posted these pictures before. But now I don't know. Maybe it was onto something all along? Today, in crazy RL foreshadowing from around 3 years ago. IYKYK. 💛

(Off I go again...)

May Continues to be OFF…

Still out. But I figure I owe more information about it, to those few who are closely keeping up with me and my stuff, and now that I’m more able to form words, here they come!

• I wanted to see Michael this month, but I’ll have to move that.
• I wanted to finish adding about Wonka this month, but I’ll also have to move that.
• I wanted to keep regularly posting on Sundays, but I’ll indeed also have to move that.

I require this break. Not merely being mute or reducing interactions, but being as disconnected as I can be to return to myself and replenish myself as I ought to. I was fortunate to miraculously have something I could ‘fall back’ on that’d make this not only easier, but much more effective. However, it is still looking like I’ll be needing plenty of time. I want to say all of May, and not extend it beyond, but we’ll see.

Do I feel guilty about it? Losing the streak and whatnot. Sometimes, yes. But I did say it. That this year and many months before it have been rough. That if that one thing happened, I would have to retreat for a possibly long while - and it happened. So now I’m retreating. It is not punishment and it is not manipulation. It is simply what my psyche and the mass around it now demand.

And I’m not going to lie, it has been tempting to hate everyone and everything all of a sudden. As though part of the natural reaction that leads to pulling away and avoiding further harm. But worry not, if you deserve better, I’ll make the due distinctions as I regain my clarity. Meanwhile, I ask that you be understanding of my withdrawal of energy and such.

This means that, no, I’m not really checking messages. Not most of them, anyway. If they won’t sit there long enough, then I’ll forever miss them. I will check them once I have space to hold them again. I’m only keeping in touch with a few people during this period. I occasionally get curious and check on more, but I shouldn’t if I am to make progress with this recovery. Please don’t take it personally, especially if you KNOW I love and adore you. Just gotta do what I gotta do to get through this.

I repeat: Take care and be well!
(Besides, I believe y’all could use some time together without me being in the way!)

MAY OFF!

I'm taking May off. Won't even have Sunday posts popping up on their own. The usual will resume in June. Take care and be well!

Long Forgotten Color Palettes for Costumes

March 8th, 2014. Excerpt from a reference post. Speaking of colors... I did the post-apocalyptic cosplay (first palette) but never got to do the faerie cosplay (second palette). Or did I? Hm. 🙊

I'm afraid I don't carry that much magic anymore. But I don't believe it is a lost cause either. Probably just ought to tune in more often and for longer, with a stronger forcefield around me. Thank you, again, so much, to those who bring it back - even amidst hellscapes. I needed that.

The Artist's RPG / It's The Universe Speaking

I’ve always loved the idea that we are a way for the universe to know (and express) itself. And if that is the case, then artists might be especially suited for that. Being overqualified vessels and vias through which existence flows. As they, when genuine, are outstandingly sensitive to what is around and what is within and can expertly craft a resemblance, even if some only tune into certain aspects while others tune into certain other aspects.

Being such, I’m currently faced with a, let’s say, dilemma in The Artist’s RPG story. Personally, I would like there to be some sort of “Star Committee" guiding affairs and more, composed of legendary artists. But what if that can’t/won’t happen? And these great artists are ultimately only messengers for a blueprint? i.e., They showed what the universe is made of, so you can’t miss it, and now the pieces must be gathered and put together.

You know what I’d prefer. But I let the story carry me when writing… 😔

The Artist's RPG / Components: Prism

PRISM

RECEPTOR

HOMAGE - ADMIRATION - MAGNIFYING

Sameness won’t do. Shrinking won’t do. Why be in that state? Why expect and require it? That is not what all this was made for. There is beauty beyond your senses and even beyond your imagination. And you might catch it if you pay attention. If you can go ahead and appraise it regardless of whether or not others did so before you.

“There is more to it than meets the eye. I will make it undeniably evident.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Let there be light. And let there be colors. 

I welcome you in your entirety. With your uniqueness and peculiarities. They are precious. How bleak and bland, how dreafully insufferable, would it be without you? You are not to be tolerated. You are to be cherished. Abundantly celebrated. I see you as you are, and I am mesmerized. Look closer. Closer. Much closer. Have you noticed the miracle that you are? Wait, I will show you.

And just like that, you are unabashedly you.

Sameness won’t do. Shrinking won’t do. Why be in that state? Why expect and require it? That is not what all this was made for. There is beauty beyond your senses and even beyond your imagination. And you might catch it if you pay attention. If you can go ahead and appraise it regardless of whether or not others did so before you.

Is it appropriate? Is it trendy? It is about none of that. How about asking a different question? Is it art? 

What is contained within what many overlook or even reject? Are you bold enough to embrace it? Set the trend and make it appropriate? Can it pass through you and become more than what it previously was? You must apply your own criteria. Biases and prejudices would only be obstacles to observing true nature, to grasping what it is composed of. You must be sharp and you must be clear. Until it is so obvious it is indisputable.

Take up space.

The Artist's RPG / Components: Void

VOID

RECEPTOR

OVERENTITLEMENT - ENVY - GREED

Insatiability puts it lightly. There is no end to how much this can swallow without being satisfied. And how dare anyone say no and deprive it of what it asks? Everything exists for it. Not for another to have and own, but for it to claim and absorb. It suffers excruciatingly otherwise. How can anyone be okay without always getting more and more and more? What else is there? Nothing.

“Hunger is a weak word for how much I crave. I will devour you.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

What’s that? Nobody has complimented you before? Nobody has shown you how special you are? That’s terrible! You’re a gem! A treasure trove! There’s so much to you! I’ve got my eye on you and I cannot wait to see what else you are carrying with you. Oh, yes, bring it all on. I’ve got space for everything (and more).

Sure, those words can be tempting. After all, when was the last time you felt that valued? And you’re not off, not in that regard. Because, indeed, you are valued. Just not in the way that would benefit you, but in the way that would benefit them. The way it will have you giving and giving and giving until there’s nothing left in you to give anymore. Nothing else they’d see value in. Then you are replaceable. Something to merely discard after serving.

Insatiability puts it lightly. There is no end to how much this can swallow without being satisfied. And how dare anyone say no and deprive it of what it asks? Everything exists for it. Not for another to have and own, but for it to claim and absorb. It suffers excruciatingly otherwise. How can anyone be okay without always getting more and more and more? What else is there? Nothing.

What may seem harmless at first can quickly become devastating to all around. This vacuum doesn’t rest until it has what it came for. It will move however it has to for it. And then it will keep going. If there is any positive and constructive contribution from it, it is to show what absence looks like. Maybe its insides, too.

Sometimes, lack is real, and so deep that we are starving, so we feast if given the chance. Excessively so. But when lack governs over you, even amidst abundance, it will make extinct even that which it claims to adore.

NOTE: This is a component to use with extra caution or dismiss completely, as it operates against art when unchecked.

Pre-2020 Vibes Coming Soon to My Pinterest

I doubt I can gather them all at once, but old pictures that capture the vibe are coming soon for sure!

Although I'll keep individually recalling older posts when they come to mind or come up in a topic, I figured I would like to have a broader view of the sights I've captured throughout the years. It's great that there's still so much left to see and hold on to ahead of us. However, there's something about Pre-2020 that I'm not getting back, yet, that I can look back to! So, indeed, I'll go through the trouble of compiling them. 💟